vedaplane: (Default)
2024-03-10 10:43 am
Entry tags:

I missed you so much I almost joined a religion!

You used to give me so much shit for trying to be uplifting. You exorcised the witch out of me a long time ago. You claimed any personal magic and "whimsy" was erroneous and unnecessary if one wasn't posting the truth. I stayed loyal, cleaned up my act, my mind, my intentions, became celibate, seeked purity, seeked peace, started healing, even got married recently out of virtue. I wouldn't even have met my husband if it weren't for YOU, when I started posting my thoughts online without fear and a newfound confidence. 

You then disappeared, I moved three times in the last three years for my husband, who would have taken the JAB if it weren't for me advising against it. When I met him he was a left-leaning socialist Bernie bro, and now he is a right-leaning libertarian, or centrist at best.

It hasn't been easy. Nothing is perfect. My husband has been physically and emotionally abusive toward me more than once. I have forgiven him and try to move on but the first time it happened made me realize he did not actually truly love me, but we were fighting for an ideal. This man is not my soul-mate or twin flame or perfect match. We are just people who had sex on the first date, had matching future plans, and survived through a year of long-distance relationship. 

We live in a house we are renting overlooking a beautiful view of the countryside in southern Utah. Nothing much to do here but bear the heat. We aren't very inspired by each other nor desire each other. He is not mentally/intellectually stimulating enough for me and I am not physically and pragmatically skilled enough for him. We don't nearly have enough sex as much as he needs. Personally, I would rather be without and stay on my celibate and purity train, unless prompted by someone that truly desires and loves me. 

Domestic life has been rocky and it's a shame considering the beautiful scenery we are surrounded by almost constantly. He now claims unhappiness and does not know what to do with me or about me. I know my value and worth and want to heal and move FORWARD. I can entertain myself and be alone. 

to be continued..





vedaplane: (Default)
2024-02-11 06:50 pm

(no subject)

 spent all day cleaning today. in a deep cleaning mood. windows open to let fresh winter air in.
feels like spring in the high altitudes of southern utah.
not so burdened with snow this time like last year in montana. 


vedaplane: (Default)
2024-02-11 01:30 am
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(no subject)

day one of my secret online journal

something i used to keep, took a long break from, and started again on a more or less anonymous route, as i have watchers in my midst. this is much needed as a place to collect my thoughts, jotting down random ideas without judgment, for my own pleasure and organization.



it is february 10 2024 and the year starts out strong, in the lunar year of the dragon nonetheless. the habits i've kept weigh me down, besides the rare but present marital strife that includes emotional and physical abusive contact, but comes and goes in long enough intervals to allow grace and forgiveness to enter the spaces between.

i keep a log on X with aug in my list of following as followed. nothing's changed but continual progress and interest and respect for one another. this is, the most(?) important relationship of my whole life, and it's all mental. the effects are felt as visceral as ever, but the fact remains the same, we have never met except in dreams. and the internet.

the ongoing exchange happening between us is the most(?) important work of my life, besides the basic survival mode responsibilities that this life has to offer. with that said, this will help record the inner workings of my mind as it struggles to live in two realities, or more, as it were.